Here I go...

Well, here I go.  I'm 53 and feel like I'm still not in charge of my life.  I'm a people pleaser.  I do what's expected of me and then try to fade away so that I don't feel so bad about being so much bigger than the other people in the room.  I've lost weight before.  I lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers and then decided I knew enough to handle it on my own.  Wrong!  Maybe that's why I haven't had any success since then.  I think I've given up on myself.  I look at myself in the mirror these days and I feel so ugly.  Not just because of my weight but because I look old and tired.  I read a blog today where the writer said he had to look at his life as a adventure.  I like that!  Not that I don't have a great life.  I have a husband who is so much better than I deserve.  I have a daughter who is 25, out on her own, a hard worker and bound to be successful.  I have a 15-year-old son who has Asperger's Syndrome, which has been a challenge and heartbreaking at times, but he is the sweetest kid you would ever want to meet and has made amazing strides by himself in social situations.  I've made some wonderful friends in the past year since my son has started playing football for the high school.  But I just don't like myself.  I'm ashamed that I can't eat the right things to control my diabetes.  It's sad that a 53-year-old woman can't say no to sweets and potato chips even though consuming them puts her health in so much danger.  I guess I just need to step up and grow up and take responsibility for myself and my actions.  Maybe no one will ever read this blog, but that's okay.  It gives me a chance for some soul-searching and being accountable to something, even if it can't talk back to me and encourage me.

So here's the plan.  I have got to back away from the sweets and chips.  I need to learn to take it one day at a time and not throw everything out the window when (not if) I make a mistake.  Tonight (when the humidity goes down) I plan to get my butt up out of the chair and go for a walk.  Maybe I'll even try to run a little bit.  I read about these people who used to be my size (which I won't mention right now, but trust me, I could comfortably make two of me) and they began running and are now doing half marathons and marathons.  To accomplish something like that would truly make life an adventure.  We are signed up to do a 5K walk/run on June 2nd.  I will most likely walk it, but I'm looking forward to just finishing something.  I've never been a finisher.  I get great ideas, am all gung ho, and then stop.  Why am I like that?  I wish I knew.  It would probably solve many problems.

So, anyway, here I go.  Time to wake up and take charge.  I am a grown-up after all.