Is This Really Me??

I can't believe it!  I just looked back at my blog entries and I've been at this Couch to 5K program for two months!!  I think that's about the longest I've ever really stuck with anything.  At least anything that is good for me!  Hubby says he can tell a difference in me.  I can't really to look at myself, but I can actually jog 3 minutes at a time now!!  When you consider when I started this I couldn't even make a minute, that's pretty darn good!  And I'm going faster too!  Of course I've been really rotten with keeping up with my blog, but one challenge at a time.  Besides, no one is reading it so it's not like anyone is missing anything.

I went to the doctor abot two weks ago and she put me on Januvia in addition to Metformin for my blood sugar.  So my goal now is to get off of that stuff!  It's $18 a month so it's my most expensive prescription and not just that but it's something that should be under my control!  So hopefully the running is going to help.  Now if I could just quit the soda cravings!  Ugh. 

Why is it every time I do something good I counteract it with something bad?  When I was on WW I was very good about what I ate, but never exercised.  Now I'm exercising and drinking one  sugar filled soda per day on top of Dabetes 2.  I really need to get my act together.

But I will keep "running" and try to conquer the little things as they challenge me. 

Down But Not Out

The bad news is that I've been MIA again.  The good news is that it's not because I have quit!  I have been doing the Couch to 5K program for about six weeks now, non-stop.  In fact, I actually hate taking a day off!  The funny part is that even though it's been six weeks, I'm only on week 2 of the program.  lol  I refuse to move on to the next week until I feel that I'm ready.  I'm afraid if I move too quickly I'll get frustrated and quit altogether.  I really am proud of myself though.  It's amazing what I can do now compared to what I could(n't) do the first week!!  I don't really see any weight loss or change in the way my clothing fits, but I figure it's going to come with time.  I have lots more to say when I'm over this cold and ready to face some of the shorcomings of my childhood, but that will happen at a future day and time.  For now, I'm gonna keep on going!!

Inspiration

So today was day 2 of week 1 of my couch to 5K program.  It is soooo hard for me to run.  Today I felt tired before I even started, but I started and that's what counts.  Right?  Anyway along the way I came across to lady who lost 80 pounds in a year by walking!!  We had a nice little chat as we made our way around the track.  I guess I've just failed so many times that it's difficult for me to believe I'll EVER be successful at anything.  Especially running.  I'm probably going to have to do week one for about a month before I can move on.  At least it feels that way.  But I'm out there working at it.  Struggling, struggling along.  I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to run.  It always has been.  Maybe it's the way I'm built or maybe it's just because I never learned to push myself.  When I was growing up I never had anyone there telling me you can do this.  Mostly I was told you CAN'T do this and so I never did.  But I have a wonderful family and friends now who have faith in me and give me encouragement and I truly hope I won't let them down.  I can't allow myself to let them down, because I'll once again be letting me down too.  Oh what a screwed up childhood can do to a person!  I sure hope I have given my kids a better start in life and alot more self-esteem than I ever had.  I know one thing, I have complete faith and them and tell them everyday that they can do whatever they put their minds and hearts to.  I guess I need to learn to follow my own advice.

Blah

Yes I joined a weight loss challenge today!!  These girls are mostly all runners and decided that they wan'ted to "lose a marathon" in preparation for their next marathon run.  I thought it sounded like a cute idea and even though I'm nowhere near any type of runner (unless I have to pee real bad), I decided to join the challenge.  Maybe it will help me by having to be accountable to someone again.  It's worth a shot right?

That's about it on the weight loss front.  The home front is another story.  I was totally amazed the whole time we were in New York City because I didn't once have a bout of heartburn.  Right before we had left on vacation I was taking at least two tums a day because of heartburn.  Michael kept saying to me that it was probably because of stress and I just shrugged it off.  Well it's back in full swing.  Kady is going through some personal issues right now and of course I'm so involved in her life that it's like I'm going through it too.  Actually I am kind of going through it too because one of the issues is that it looks like she's going to be moving home for a while.  So things are going to change around here and it's going to be a big adjustment for all of us.  But I would never turn one of my kids away and she has tried very hard to make it on her own.  But sometimes you don't make the best decisions in life and you life to regret it and do what you have to do to get past it.  So that's that.

Anyway my appetite hasn't amounted to much today so maybe that's the good side of it.  Although my stomach has been a little queasy off and on.  Oh well tomorrow is another day.

I Did It Again

See what I mean about not following through on anything?  I did two whole days of blogging and then dropped it.  That's disgraceful.  And of course during that time I could've been exercising and eating right and have over a month of success to report, but alas, I screwed up again.  We did do alot of walking while on vacation and I did my best to watch what I was eating, but I've still gained 2.5 pounds.  That's just crazy.  I wish there was some way to turn off my appetite.  Maybe I should get my jaw wired shut.  Sometimes that seems like it's the only thing that will work for me.  Although if I keep up with my blog, maybe somehow it will cause a light bulb to go off and I'll start doing the right thing.  Michael and I did buy a kettelbell this weekend and started working out with it.  My thighs were screaming at me for three days over the first workout!  But I already picked it up today and started swinging again.  It doesn't require alot of thought so I'm hoping to absent mindedly get into the habit of just picking it up and getting a workout without thinking about it.  I'm keeping it here in my office with me so I see it all the time. 

So that's where I stand right now.  Once again disappointed in myself.  Apparently I like food more than I like myself.  While we were in New York I kept looking at these women who had on adorable sundresses and I thought fi I worked at it, I could at least resemble that and wear a cute sundress.  But that's as far as it gets.  Maybe I just don't believe down in my heart that I could ever look good.  Maybe that's what a lifetime of being treated like a second class citizen does to you.  You grow up believing that they're right and that you're always going to take a backseat to other people. 

Well that's my rambling for today.  I wish I could say I was in a mindset to really take control and do something.  But right now I couldn't even tell you what my mindset is.  I'm just going to have to deal with myself one day at a time and see where it takes me.

Day 2 of One Day at a Time

Today will be a short entry because there wasn't alot happened.  My plan to run with Michael last night was a bust because we had a slight monsoon.  But I was good about watching what I ate and my fasting blood sugar was 20 points lower than normal this morning!  Today was stinking H-O-T, but we did get out and walk over to a little fair that our Borough has and watched the high school jazz band for as long as we could until the heat over took us.  I had kind of a non-scale victory today.  We went to Denny's for lunch and I ordered a wrap with bacon, egg and avocado.  I actually ended up taking the filling out of the tortilla and just eating that and leaving the tortilla!  I'm beginning to get a taste for eggs.  Maybe I will eventually learn to think of eggs as my go-to breakfast food instead of muffins and sticky buns.  That will take correcting years of practice but it's a start.  Breakfast is very hard for me.  I grew up on pop-tarts and donuts.  Yes, my probems go waaaaay back.

I saw in our Borough newsletter that they are doing a walk-in Zumba Gold class on Thursday mornings.  It's for active older adults and "unconditioned" beginners.  Heck, they could've put my name in there!!  I'm kind of excited to try it.  Especially since it's been so darn hot out to walk very far or fast.  We're supposed to get a break in the weather in a few days though.

I have to admit I did have a s'more tonight.  I just couldn't deny myself.  Story of my life.  But in my defense, when I needed a snack earlier today I had a white peach.  It was delish!!  Tonight will be a challenge for me.  My usual habit is to eat gummi bears while I watch WWE.  That is a habit I need to break - badly!  So there are no gummi bears or chips in the house and I will most likely have a large glass of ice water sitting close by and try not to think about it.  Like I said it's just one day at a time...

Here I go...

Well, here I go.  I'm 53 and feel like I'm still not in charge of my life.  I'm a people pleaser.  I do what's expected of me and then try to fade away so that I don't feel so bad about being so much bigger than the other people in the room.  I've lost weight before.  I lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers and then decided I knew enough to handle it on my own.  Wrong!  Maybe that's why I haven't had any success since then.  I think I've given up on myself.  I look at myself in the mirror these days and I feel so ugly.  Not just because of my weight but because I look old and tired.  I read a blog today where the writer said he had to look at his life as a adventure.  I like that!  Not that I don't have a great life.  I have a husband who is so much better than I deserve.  I have a daughter who is 25, out on her own, a hard worker and bound to be successful.  I have a 15-year-old son who has Asperger's Syndrome, which has been a challenge and heartbreaking at times, but he is the sweetest kid you would ever want to meet and has made amazing strides by himself in social situations.  I've made some wonderful friends in the past year since my son has started playing football for the high school.  But I just don't like myself.  I'm ashamed that I can't eat the right things to control my diabetes.  It's sad that a 53-year-old woman can't say no to sweets and potato chips even though consuming them puts her health in so much danger.  I guess I just need to step up and grow up and take responsibility for myself and my actions.  Maybe no one will ever read this blog, but that's okay.  It gives me a chance for some soul-searching and being accountable to something, even if it can't talk back to me and encourage me.

So here's the plan.  I have got to back away from the sweets and chips.  I need to learn to take it one day at a time and not throw everything out the window when (not if) I make a mistake.  Tonight (when the humidity goes down) I plan to get my butt up out of the chair and go for a walk.  Maybe I'll even try to run a little bit.  I read about these people who used to be my size (which I won't mention right now, but trust me, I could comfortably make two of me) and they began running and are now doing half marathons and marathons.  To accomplish something like that would truly make life an adventure.  We are signed up to do a 5K walk/run on June 2nd.  I will most likely walk it, but I'm looking forward to just finishing something.  I've never been a finisher.  I get great ideas, am all gung ho, and then stop.  Why am I like that?  I wish I knew.  It would probably solve many problems.

So, anyway, here I go.  Time to wake up and take charge.  I am a grown-up after all.